why do i always feel weird around this time of year? like... im not really depressed but im jst really confused about what i really wanna do with my life... the fact that i cant hold interest on something for long doesnt help either... perhaps that is the reason.

ive been thinking about a lot of stuff, especially my "future". i guess its all started when i found out that matt was moved to hay st. i honestly can say that matt is the best store manager i have ever had, or more like any manager alone. i was sad when kim, nicola, grant, nat, michael, tiah and igor left, but it didnt feel the same. i cried when they left but i didnt even cry when matt left and i know matt and i are so close that i dont even have a word to describe. we jst clicked and i never expected that. seeing him so upset last week knowing sandy moved him without even considering his feelings, i jst thought to myself "now what? matt had done so much for the store, keeping it clean every single shift of his, doing so much to maintain it up to her standard, and it is nearly renovated fully as well. its only in 2 more months that we get to play with a brand new look of north perth mc donalds and now she has to move him?" why doesnt she jst move bec for fucks sake. since she loves being in control so much, wouldnt she do a better job at hay st? i would move to hay st with matt if it wasnt in the city, and if there werent too many asians in that store. hell i could care less about this store already. once matt was like "you know what? i couldnt sleep last night. i was thinking about how grant and nat were originally from there and now they all left maccas, im jst like when is it gonna be my turn?". after hearing that i was speechless. i didnt know what to say. matt loves his job for sure and hes been store managering for 6yrs, and hes only 27 now. and i actually believe that he had a great time at north perth since he was so happy to leave belmont. but like yeah, the store isnt his anymore... aww my lil caes...

well that was just when i started to think about the whole career thing and i questioned myself "where am i going to be in 3 years time?". its like im so confused about what i wanna do with my life right now. im doing IT, yeah... but its not interesting me. i havent turned up to my Applied Communications class for 3 weeks in a row, and i actually like the teacher. didnt go to Communicating in IT environment on Mon either because i jst felt so down that i couldnt b bothered. the assignment that i was supposed to due in for Applied Com on Mon, i didnt finish it until Mon night, which is like a day late. i dont care about the penalty, but it proved that the subject no longer interested me anymore. if it did, i would have done it early and would have put MUCH more effort into it. System Analysis... i jst dont know why i liked it before. its like a whole brand new world to me now that i havent looked at it for 2 weeks. i jst really dont wanna study something that you cant apply straight away. like at maccas, you learn as you work. its so much more interesting that way. studying all these IT craps, i wonder how i am going to enjoy my job in the future and what will keep me working. people say you will have at least 5 jobs until you find the 1 that suits you the most, but what a waste of time? well i see people sticking to their jobs for as long as they live but i just dont know what kept them interested in the job so much. its wrong to say that im not interested in anything right now. i like working at maccas, but i wouldnt be able to work there 5 days a week for even 4 weeks straight. it tires you physically and mentally as well. screw gap buster and all the competition shit. but yeah, if i dont want to study right now, have a year off, figure out what i really wanna do with my life while working at maccas 4 days a week even, will i really have everything figured out in the end? or at the end of the day, its all about me? its not the job that is the problem, that is me being too choosey and to hell with the whole not-being-able-to-keep-my-interest-for-long crap. excuse, excuse, excuse.

far out, why dont i just die and get everything over and done with? my sister in law is coming to live here permanently in a week, sure my mom will be happy... or will she? have i even been a good daughter? its like seeing my mom works so hard while im not able to do anything to help her hurts me so much. of course i always act like i dont care, but i think about her everyday. why does she have to work so hard to pay for half the stuff that she doesnt even use? who cleans the house? who does the laundry? who cooks? who does gardening? who dries the clothes? who pays the bills? now that my brother and sis in law will be moving to sydney soon, am i able to share all that with mom? my brother had been helping mom do so many things while i was busy being an ignorant spoiled bitch. sure mom never had to pay for anything that i own or do in these 5 years, thats the only thing im proud to say, and she actually gets my youth allowance as well, but everytime i wanna help her around the house and i see my brother there doing it, im jst like yeah hes there, who cares? but then ive been cooking more often, i did the dishes today, been helping her with laundry as well, so its a good start, but the question is, would i be able to keep up doing all that stuff in the long run?

crap i havent cried for months... where has the strong me gone off to? i hate being weak and crying all the time but i jst cant help it hey. im over bottling my tears up. all i need now is something to take my mind off this... thats why Reaching For The Stars had done a great job keeping me company all this time. im jst able to relate to a tw series for once, and it feels great. i gotta admit Zheng Hao & Ren Jie were so fortunate to have found each other... and sometimes i wonder if my life is gonna be as fortunate as that...

jesus... shouldnt have drunk sooo much coffee at work, now i cant sleep. i dont even feel sleepy or tired and its like 2:30am. crap got work 2mrw at 8 too O.o. freak.

neway jst feel like talking to myself. been forgetting what ive done lately, good time to recollect. random stuff:

- kinda over the smiley eyes boy haha. his immaturity drove me insane. still love his smiley eyes, but that is like the only thing ive been attracted to anyway haha.
- got 26/30 for my Communicating in IT Environment assignment 1, oh yeah~. damn dirk hes got the same mark <_<.
- got 14.5/20 for System Analysis assignment 1 <_<. if saurav and dipu actually did some more work, instead of jst dirk and i doing 99% of the thing, it would have been better, maybe. but hey, thats a not bad mark, 2nd top amongst 5 groups, so meh. but the top mark was 17.5 <_< and i hate those boys <_<.
- saurav is annoying and immature. it was cool how we fought n kicked n hit each other on wed but i jst hated him on fri <_<.
- i really should start studying for Applied Communications if i wanna get 70%+ in the exams hey. man also the assignment =.=.

- wtf, karl acted so surprised when i mentioned cheery and myspace haha. jeez buddy, he didnt think myspace was so private that i couldnt google him up did he. well his bad for mentioning myspace at the 1st place~.
- hamish is awesome. he cooked me the best cheeseburger pancake in the world and now im addicted to it haha.
- had sucha big fight w/ josh last week, not really fight but i hit him so many times and he was so mad but we made up haha. so cute he was like "you can hit me and we can swear each other head's off but we still love each other okay?" haha. awww hhaha joshieeee.
- ec and alex are getting so much creepier and creepier each week.
- goddamn chisha is getting more and more annoying each week. i swear i wish he were 1 of those VA tech victims.
- kinda stopped talking to some people on msn but that aint my problem. im already too used to growing apart from people. if they cared, they would have talked. again, dont come to me only when theres no one else. i dont take that kinda shit.

- i friggin cooked spaghetti for my mom on her bday!!! omg. I loved my spaghetti so much that i would turn spaghetti for it!!!
- haha loved mom's reaction. she got home and spaghetti was cooked, also there were chicken caesar salad, fruit salad, fruit tart and flavoured straws & milk. woohoo go me! love you mommy :D (L).

- the rose was gay, im not gonna even bother finishing it. the whole thing is jst friggin gay and draggy and boring!
- hanakimi was pretty good. wu zun was very cute in there, i still like him and ariel in tokyo juliet more but. but yeha hes definitely cuter in here haha. the ending is BLEH but. hope the sequel is better.
- green forest is sucha cuteeeee series. i actually really love esther's acting hehe. love her voice also, i normal hate cute voices but i totally love her speaking voice. i jst dont really like her singing lol. and omg ethan ruan :iloveyou:. dont i jst loveeee his smiley eyes? everytime he smiles id go awwwww haha. gay person at youtube, only uploaded up to ep5 <_<. hmm leon isnt that good at acting and i dont find him that attractive either. ethan is so much better haha. junk actually made sucha great joke out of my smiley eyes obsession: [[- Customer: a big mac please. --- Me: Would you like some eyes... er i mean fries with that? -]] hahaha. that was 1 of the best moments coz normally junk isnt that funny hahahaha.

- fahrenheit isnt that much of a boring group hmm most of their songs are alright. Xia Xue is pretty good, defintely love aaron yan's voice, its sooo delicate! Wo You Wo De Young is cute too haha.
- ah xin's songs are sooooo nice. funky stuff.
- loaded tank's album but havent even extracted. dun really like him but i was bored alright.
- xue zhi qian, great potential, but i only find Ren Zhen De Xue unique and original. other songs arent my cup of tea but i love his voice!
- eason's mando album is ok.
- juno's songs suck big time. Daai Saam San is omg his voice is disgustingly whispery in there. mayb its the whole point but i dont see anything musical in there.

- parental guidance, a pretty cute show. jessica hsuan's english is funny at times but the guy's english is soo cute hahaa and also his assistant's hahhah.
- americas next top model, loving renee, love everything about her, her voice, her beauty, her attitude, and her family haha. she has sucha cute son and her husband is really supportive too.
- australias next top model, im rooting for steph h. paloma and steph stood out soo much right from the beginning but paloma is a hypocritical whore, so i hate her. love steph h, she has funny accent but love her voice.
- search for next doll, haha im watching all these skimpy shows lol but yeah like everybody else, i love melisa r. i friggin hope asia didnt win <_<.
- rove live is getting better and funnier haha. whoever doesnt get his type of humour, too bad. go back to family guy.
- big brother, wow im digging this year's BB. 1st, almost everything in the house is made of recycled materials. 2nd, no prize money, woohoo. i dont really see the point of giving bummers money anyway. good stuff. 3rd, at the moment, apart from the bitch TJ, i like everyone else, especially Hayley & Andrew wooohooo!!!! haha theyre like the couple of the year LOL.

- fell in love w/ hayley & andrew haha. as soon as i saw the whole female gang, i thought hayley was the prettiest. as soon as andrew walked in, i loved him. what actually caught my attention was that he said he would never lie. if you have to lie to get something, its not worth getting. omg great saying! and the funny thing is, when he tried to lie to other people that hes single (when hes obviously not, his gf is hayley), he looks soooo awkward haha and his face kinda turned red as well wow. haha as soon as i saw that i was like "busted!" haha :P. but yeah great couple. hot girl and hot guy! theyre like made for each other. and man awww theyre sooo cute. i love how they were in the chilling room and they couldnt cuddle or anything coz they werent allowed to, but she was reassuring him that everything shes been doing was jst going w/ the flow, refering to thomas and billy and stuff n he was like "nah i understand" and she kept saying "i love you" awwwww and in the end he was like whispering "i love you too" and he was looking all shy n stuff hahaha. awwww i love hayley, shes like a lawyer so yeah, great manners and all. also its sooo cute how she got jealous when andrew was talking to aleisha & kate lol. its like how andrew just walked away when hayley were talking to thomas and billy coz he was jealous as well lol. what i loved the most about today's show? when hayley walked away and andrew popped his head up to see where she went while aleisha and kate were talking to him. awwww. and when BB woke them up, the 1st thing hayley did was to look at andrew's direction. awwww. i hope this week ends fast so they can stay in the BB house as a couple awwwww.

ok thats about it i guess lol. omg when can i feel sleepy??? omg its 3am O.o.

oh lemme add something else: I fucking hate attention seekers. what i hate even more? those cunning attention seekers who dont appear to be seeking the attention but have someone else do it for them. smart smart, but watch out, im smarter~. my part time job is to observe and analyse people, need i say more?

wooo forgot who told me uni is easier than high school but hmm... yeah in a way but not too much. lol vy complained how its only her 4th week at uni and she got 4 tests for 4 of her units already. and her midsem is this week haha im like man, you're doing pharmacy. mayb she should be a comp nerd and come to ecu to do IT with me :D. hey i gotta say these IT guys are cute haha, she probably would like them better than those viet/chinese guys at curtin lol. lucky i dont get to see them, just more people to add on my hate list haha. yeah vy and i got quite similar taste in people, we usually hate the same people, but not necessarily love the same people lol, but hey i respect that girl's decision a hell of a lot. but shes a lot softer than me in term of hating. if i dont like you, im gonna show you i dont like you. but if she doesnt like someone, she will still act friendly although i know shes annoyed like hell haha. but thats good coz we're like same but different in a way. but thats why i love her, and other people do too.

but anywayyy, talk about uni, im so like confused... ok, so im doing

Communicating in an IT Environment - Mon
Applied Communications - Tues
System Analysis - Wed
Digital Photomedia - Thurs

i havent turned up for my digital media class for 3 weeks in a row. 1st up, i hate the teacher. jeeez hes so up himself. disliked him right the 1st week, and man, i thought i could try and pull myself through photoshop but... i lost the passion for photoshop already. i never realised i hate beautiful things that much. beauty is just somehow too fake to me, after... weeks watching America's Next Top Model haha. yeah people dont cherish natural beauty, they prefer the fake one, the pretended one, im like what's the point mate? [ . side note, i would love my friends to value me for who i am, thank you very much. under any circumstances that i feel like you try to turn me into someone im not, or makes me feel like i should change myself in order to make you feel comfortable, forget it. if you love me for who i am, you wouldnt push me away when i need you. i didnt push you away although i didnt necessarily agree with everything you did or said. if i feel bad for you having to tolerate my attitude, i will soften it and change it in a way that it will make you feel less pressured. but dont expect me to just change because thats the way you prefer it. go find someone else, to hell with your kind of "friend". i miss the time where i could jst tell you anything but looks like right now, you dont need this so-called "best friend" anymore. oh well, people change . ] okie doke. so the question is... should i change my major back =S. at the moment, im gonna b majoring in Bachelor of Science (Digital Media) but if i didnt, i would have had these following choices:

Bachelor of Computer Science - specialist areas include Computer Science, Games Programming, Software Engineering and Mobile Computing.
Bachelor of Information Technology - specialist areas include Information Technology, Computer Security, Wireless & Mobile Computing, Computer Science, Internetworking Technologies, Software Engineering, Network Administration & Design and Records Management
Bachelor of Computer and Network Security

hmmm... Bach of IT looks the funnest to me. i think dirk is majoring in Network Security. he seems to enjoy it a lot but hey, he is brainy and im not haha. well i dunno... forgot to ask jacky's opinion about it coz he was on the foneee w/ someone :P, and dirk had to go to dinner so boooo will ask him on wed when i see him in system analysis then.

and yeah, i like my monday class. altho the teacher is hell damn boring, its kinda fun jst sitting there for 2hrs listening to her lectures without taking much notes in because its jst basic IT info... and then go to the lab and... do the workshops. hmmm i feel so smart in that class coz i dont think i will ever have trouble with researching using... google 8-). but why are the rooms soooo bloody cold??? today she just basically moved us from africa to antartica. but haha talk about todays class, its so funny and entertaining. dipu's fone kept going off the whole time haha, miss calls then msg alerts haha and we laughed every single time he fone went off and the teacher didnt seem to mind hmm? then the guy sat next to willy, no idea wat his name was but he was like falling asleep so i threw my pencil at him and he woke up w/ the funniest look on his face haha. no1 really saw it tho but willy and saurav did and they laughed so hard, oopz, did i jst indirectly disturb the class? hey i did that for a good cause. then this indo girl came late and sat right in front of dirk and she covered the board so dirk was like kinda annoyed haha. i dunno why i found that hilarious but yeah his facial expression was priceless. and then the most embarrassing thing i did... err. i was thirsty and i opened my bottle of diet coke (diet coke tastes great! i dunno why people hate it) and it went PPSSSHHHH and the whole room turned around, stared at me and once again, saurav and willy laughed the loudest coz, well i was sitting between them so nothing funny wld have escaped their ears <_<. but man i wanted to hide =.=.

then.. tuesday class, i loveeeee mrs williams! shes the BOMB! shes jst too cute haha. i love her way of teaching too but eh, her subject is the hardest of all and ive got a test 2mrw, wicked! saurav dropped out coz he wants to do it next semester, so hes having 3 semesters instead of 2. oh yeah, if i dropped out of digital media, that means i would have to do 3 semesters instead of 2 too, which is... i dunno mayb good? so that i dont stay home and rot in the last semester?

wed, system analysis! haha i love mr johnstone too. he has that quirkiness that can come accross as... weird sometimes but i enjoy his class. also im in a study group, so that just makes assignments a hell of a lot easier. there are like 22 ppl and there are only 4 girls lmao. but im glad i dont have to stick w/ too many girls. i feel like the more time i spend w/ girls the bitchier i become, and i dont want that. but yeah, im not bitchy because i hang around them too much, but because girls annoy me and i know i will bitch about them and eh, i dont like bitching about ppl full stop, but just cant help it sometimes. and yeah hanging around boys helps me with my imhairierthanu too. so whos in my group? dirk, saurav, dipu and atif. i loveee dirk! hes like the captain in our group haha, well i think hes the oldest i think. actually i dunno, im 18, saurav is 19, dirks 23, not sure about dipu and atif but yeah dirk is definitely more mature *coughs* studywise. hes like so organised and committed and he gets things done. haha he asked me to take care of the assignment in the 1st week and i went "you cant trust girls with getting things done ontime" and he was like "hmm yeah agree" lol. so hes now the editor of our assignment, which is great haha. his style of writing is definitely more academic too. wooo ive got competition haha. then saurav, hes like the clown in the group haha and we bicker all the time coz he always makes fun of me. group work wise, hes kinda dumb and lost. but funny, he wrote somethng in his scope last week, we thought it was useless but we ended up using it as a part of our... background haha. so he kind got it, but still not there yet. good try buddy. dipu didnt do anything in the 1st few weeks but wooo he blew me away w/ his use case diagrams last week. i think i have been depending too much on my group and now i just realised that my individual work is kinda behind a bit. but hey dont worry, i can pull it together, im not dumb haha. atif, not much to say coz he jst joined our group last week, randomness.

well... something more interesting. haha not really... but ok... is it weird to buy someone a pair of [work] shoes for his bday present? :loool: ec thot its so weird that i wanna buy karl that for his bday haha. but man, his shoes r soooo old that have no sole O_O. i feel so bad for him everytime he had to walk into the freezer coz his socks touch the floors brrrr. so yeah i already told him neway, but i dont think he thot i was serious haha. and hmmm size 12... big feet O.o. im like a size, err... 8? haha but yeah was bored n was talking to ramen the other day n she said she was jealous of me coz i have so many cute guy friends :loool: well u got a__x :loool:. but haha this year is really like a burst of cute guy friends. let see, 1st up, karl. omg he is sooooo adorable haha. hes like a puppy awwwwwwww. seriously i adoreeeee him so much, as much as i adore ec possibly. then theres saurav haha. hes kinda dumb but hes funny too and he laughs at the most random thing ever and he loves making fun of my high voice. like wth man. is it coz my voice is too low usually that when you hear a glimpse of my high voice, it excites you like an element being excited to the next energy level? oh lord, he loves maths n chem. ok, smart, but not so smart in IT muahaha. but yeah hes totally a cutie. and omg his eyes smile!!! awwwww he looks the cutest when he smiles, coz i notice ppls eyes a lot and wow his eyes SMILE when he does! well so do ec's :P. and hey saurav really stands out in the group too, coz hes like 183 or sth. then dirk, haha, gotta admit hes damn attractive but his dirty jokes annoy me sometimes. i understand all of his jokes but i jst pretend that i dont get them so he doesnt go much into details haha. he and saurav are like close friends but theyre like so diff. well opposites attract i guess.

woooo havent blogged for a while and all these rants are so super random haha.